Thursday, September 6, 2012

Have You Ever...

Have you ever passed that person on the road going 30 mph when the speed limit is 45 and you are in a hurry and have to go to the bathroom and you're tired and dang cranky and just spilled something on your pants and your kids are arguing in the back and the slow guy in front of you is actually slowing down even though no one and nothing are directly in front of him and you wonder how he manages to drive and breathe at the same time and if the car who is going 38 mph next to you would just speed up or slow down you can pass that other car and get on with your life?? Neither have I.

Have you actually been that slow car? Never mind, don't answer that. 

This morning as I was driving home from Costco, there were a few cars in front of me and the front car decided to hang a left without moving out of the lane which takes like 10 points from the guy's life in my book.  He did turn his blinker on.  Gained 1 point.  As we all slowed down, the guy behind me slammed on his brakes, 3 points off for not being a defensive driver.  Then the winner blammed on his horn.  At me.  At me because I was right in front of him.  I automatically deduct 15 points for honking at old ladies.  Not that I'm old.  Or drive slow.  But I did have a good 20 years on him. And I'm a lady.  As the front guy hanging a left slowly moved out of the lane and out of our way, we got on our way.  Then the psycho winner horn honker behind me trails me so close he can see my groceries.  He is also breathing directly from my tailpipe.  He's losing points so fast he's falling off the planet here.  As we pick up speed, he proceeds to change lanes.  Eek.  The car next to me slows down (hardee har har on you!) and then he hits his breaks and I see that the guy is bald.  Maybe all the hair off his head has made him loony!  Loony! And a horn honker at old ladies.  Not that I'm old I tell ya!

Then, like magic, a third lane opens up and the guy who is in the negative when it comes to points in my book, has moved over to it and sped right passed everyone.  Only. To. Get. Stopped. At. A. Red. Light.  And that, my friends, is when I begin to see life fairly again.  I laugh hysterically to myself to the sounds of REM on the radio and a sweet taste of diet something on my tongue.  Because I'm back on the stuff people.  Why??

Because I am that lady who loses 50 points when I follow so close to you I can see your groceries.  Because I am the one who would like to honk the horn at you for going 30 in a 45 zone but I choose not to because I don't want to lose those points too.  I am the one who has to pee and has kids arguing and just spilled something and is boxed in by people who can't seem to go the speed limit.  I'm not asking that you go a zillion miles an hour.  Don't hurt yourself!  But the speed limit is more than a suggestion.  It keeps you safe.  Can you hear me?  Please go 45 in a 45 zone.  And also let me add, when going through a school zone, go 20.  I tend to go about 18.  They double those fines and kids are hard to replace if you hit and kill one! 

The problem is, you can't get caught at a red light after you speed past everyone who refuse to go the speed limit, like the guy up there.  It's just embarrasing and people laugh at you for being a jerk who didn't get far.  So when I pass you and speed along at the speed limit or slightly above (slightly, because I don't want to lose too many points) I must make it past that first light in order to make it worth it.  If I don't I will go a bit faster to make it past the next light.  It's an illness.  I know.  Although I have noticed that I drive slower many more days than I drive fast.  I guess I am just getting old. I also like watching the jerks who pass and then get caught at the light.  Mwaa haa haa. As long as I'm not that jerk.  Anyway, if it were all about the points, it is my book.  And that's just fine with me.  Just don't get in my way!

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