Going To China?

This morning I was going to China to get my baby and so was my neighbor Mandy. Our hubbys were still at work but would meet us at the airport. So I grabbed our suitcases, one very large one and one medium one with a smaller one inside of it. I never zipped the suitcases up. I also grabbed the one paper that I would need in China. So Mandy and I drove together to the airport. As we got out of the car I asked what time our flight was. Mandy didn't know. Then I realized I hadn't even talked to the adoption agency to make sure we had a flight. Maybe we didn't even have a flight to China!

I looked at my watch and it was about 5:53 pm. And then I looked at the paper I needed for China and it said I needed to have it checked by a “street person” for verification. Strange. And then it occurred to me that I didn't pack anything in my unzipped suitcases. Nothing. No clothes, no toothbrush, no nothin'. I mentioned it to Mandy who just laughed a little. I called Daniel, who would be driving home from work, to ask him to bring me my clothes. And toothbrush. And stuff. He didn't answer. So I called my kids at home to get my things together.  And then I woke up.

Last week referrals came out for our LID. If we hadn't pulled our paperwork a year and a half ago, we would have a picture and information on our new daughter. Or son. But we pulled the paperwork. No referral.  Just a really strange dream. I asked Daniel if he thought the dream meant we just aren't supposed to go to China. A reiteration, if you will. No clothes packed in the suitcases, no flight tickets, unzipped suitcases, and I don't even wear a watch! Daniel said it's just anxiety. Well, yeah. Me and my anxiety driven self have been up since 6:30 this morning.

I look at where we are now in our lives and know that Heavenly Father knew at the time what we didn't. I am helping to care for Daniel's mom right now. I can't imagine doing what needs to be done with a toddler who is working on attachment. Isaac begins junior high at the end of August, close to when we would be traveling. I will be able to focus on his preparation without travel plans and without a toddler who demands 24/7 care on attachment. One of my kids is having some health issues that need to be cared for at Primary Children's hospital and I can't imagine taking care of him while taking care of a toddler who is dealing with abandonment issues. And so many more things going on. Some that could be canceled or put off for the time if a toddler came. But many that are just how we live right now.

I sometimes wonder if I am trying to talk myself into just accepting (once again) the fact that we are finished. But I know that we are. I know that things have worked in our favor and in our best interest. And I do love where we are right now. I am so excited for the few who stayed and saw it through. They now have a referral and the future is bright for them and their growing families. And I am a bit sad for those of us who had to make the heartbreaking decision to be done before referrals came. Hearts will mend over time. And children keep us busy and Joyful.

Sorrow And Joy.

It's been over a year. Usually when I'm asked about it, I just say what happened. I am getting better at just saying it, not feeling it. I can walk away without sorrow flooding my heart. But there are still times when I'm asked, or when a baby is born, a pregnancy announced, that the flood gates open and I grieve as if it just happened yesterday.

Our family is complete. I know it is. I know that another baby will never come. But there is still a part of my heart that can't accept it. When I see a baby I think, That could have been me again. It could have been our family with a new baby. It's easier to look at a toddler who is throwing a tantrum and feel peace that my baby is 8 and there will be no more. But still...

Our family is in a great place right now. We can go anywhere at anytime and just play. Just do. We don't have to plan for nap times, feeding times, diaper changes. We just stop for a treat or a pit stop. It's fun having kids who will challenge you to do something. I was challenged by Sam to ride the Re-Entry ride at Lagoon. I would rather be bit by a rattle snake. But I did it. The Joy on Sam's face when we got off and he saw my face was enough for me! They are all good joke tellers. And joke deciphers. They crack me up. They can be reasoned with and instructed. Understanding is evident when we teach a principle that they've been taught all their lives, but now clicks. They are growing up so fast.

And so we move on with preteens and look forward to more exciting events as they grow. Do I wish I needed to change a diaper at times?  I would do it if it were here.  Will that place deep in my heart continue to hurt?  Not as much as it used to, but it will always be there. So I find Joy in my family as it is.  Joy in what we are and what we can do and become.  And it is spectacular.

One Journey's End.

I haven't been ignoring the fact that I posted about ending our adoption journey and then haven't said anything more. But I have been grieving and I haven't had the heart to write about it. Until now. I think General Conference last week bolstered my spirit. I feel stronger and feel I can now share a little with you.

We began this journey 5 years ago knowing that at least one more child needed to come to our family. How did we know that? We just did. And when you feel that pull, you act. Some people work to get pregnant. We filled out paperwork. We felt very strongly about China. Ruthie would have a sister that looked a lot like her. She talked about black hair and almond shaped eyes and about how they could think about China together. But very quickly we saw that going to China was a long shot. The process was slowing significantly. 2 years into the wait, I struggled with depression. The wait became a huge burden. My heart could hardly stand it. Would we ever come to the day when we would meet our child?

A year and a half later, we felt very strongly that a child would be born here and we needed to be ready. That was a shocking experience. Our prayers thus far had been answered with “Be still. Wait. It will come. Don't change anything.” So we never thought we'd be doing anything different. But now, another child would be coming. Did that mean 5 kids? Could we do it? Of course we could.

So we prayed about where to begin our paperwork and got our answer. We went to LDSFS. I was not fully into it, to tell the truth. I thought that if we went to another agency, our desires would be met easier. But when the Lord commands, we do it. And we're always right! I learned a lot during that process. I gained a deep respect for birth mothers. For a very short time after Ruthie's adoption, I had been grateful that we didn't have to “deal” with a birth mom. Can you even believe it?! But very quickly after she came to our family, I grieved for the loss of knowing her birth mom. Ruthie and I would have long conversations about who she is and what she does and what her name could be. For a little while we called her Abigail.

During the classes we took with LDSFS, I began to love our future birth mom as if she were already a part of our family. We were jazzed about the prospect. Our kids were so excited to have another baby come while waiting to go to China. We felt that because of the urgency we felt to get started so quickly we would have a baby very quickly. So we began what we hoped would be a short wait. Again.

During that wait Daniel and I received very distinct and specific answers and direction. In October we felt an urgency to have a family fast for our birth mom on the first of November. What a marvelous experience. Then we felt an urgency to get our pass along cards out to everyone we know. We sent those out for Christmas. Then our answer was to “Be still. Wait.” Of course.

By July, we were emotionally and mentally exhausted. We had been riding this roller coaster for so many years. When were we going to have our turn?? In August Daniel and I talked about pulling all our paperwork and finally being done. But we were still being told to wait. So Daniel suggested we take 6 months and see what happens. And if, at the end of 6 months, we still didn't have any changes in our situation, we would give ourselves permission to be done. I looked at the calender. February 5 was the timetable. My 40th birthday. I guess turning 40 is old enough to say my family is done. So we waited. Again.

In January, only 5 months into the 6 month time-line, and 5 years since beginning this whole journey, I wanted to just be done. China was still years away and the special needs program was not the right path for our family. We still hadn't had a birth mom look seriously at us. We had been preparing ourselves to be done and I needed to just move on. We gathered our kids and told them. That was a really crappy Saturday for all of us. The following Tuesday I called our agencies. Our caseworker at LDSFS was hesitant, but said she would pull us.

Then on Thursday I got an email from my sister in law. A man she works with has a niece with a 6 month old baby girl she must place quickly. She told him about us. Daniel and I talked quickly and decided that, since our deadline hadn't come, we should go for it. So I called our caseworker again. She had been slow to get to our paperwork so we were still in place. If she had pulled us, we wouldn't have been able to go through the agency. The next couple of weeks moved quickly. Yet they went so slow. We knew that this baby could quite possible be ours. She was conceived when we had our family fast. She was born but not placed when Daniel and I felt defeated and wanted to be done. Birth mom got serious about placing just before our deadline. I had a powerful experience when looking for a name for her, among many other experiences. And then there were all the tender mercies. How could she not be ours?

Last July a good friend told me something that I blew off as insensitive and dumb. She said, “Maybe she (birth mom) chose something different.” Whatever. Heavenly Father has a plan. And that plan is perfect. But looking at the birth of this baby, I realized that she did choose something different. She tried to parent, even though she had looked into placing. But that statement came to mind again, more strongly, very quickly.

We learned that birth mom placed with another family. I felt like we had been tossed aside and rejected cruelly. Grief came quickly and harshly. My heart felt like it had been ripped to shreds by a young girl who didn't understand how important this baby was to us. This was a brutal loss for our family. This baby could have been placed with us. But birth mom chose something different. Not wrong, because either couple could be considered “right”. Just a different choice than what we would have chosen.

Over the past weeks my grief has been very real. It is lessening, but is still there. This is a loss. The loss of a dream of more kids in our family. The loss of a trip to China to pick up our daughter. The loss of having another child sealed to our family for eternity. The loss of bottles and hiccups and giggles and diapers and teething toys. I cleaned out the baby and toddler stuff from our basement quickly. I didn't go to several baby showers. I haven't held my new niece. I walk away when I know I won't be able to bear it. I cover my heart when new babies or pregnancies are announced. I cry when there is nothing left to say.

In conference, Elder D. Todd Christofferson shared an experience once shared by Elder Hugh B. Brown, who had purchased a run down farm. As he cleaned up and repaired, he found a current bush standing more than 6 feet tall and bearing no fruit. So Elder Brown cut that current bush way back to just stumps. He saw what looked like tears coming up from the stump and could almost hear the bush cry and say, “How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.” Elder Brown replied, “I am the gardener and I know what I want you to be. I don't want you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a current bush. And one day when you are laden with currents you are going to say “Thank you for loving me enough to cut me down”.”

I had already asked the question. Feeling like I had been cut back too far, I did go to Him and say, “I thought you were the Gardener here. How could you do this to me? Why did I have to be cut back so far?” And Heavenly Father, in that moment of conference, answered, “I am the Gardener here. And I know what I want you to be.”

I wear a purple bracelet that says Lyndsay No Regrets. Lyndsay's dad gave it to me after she passed away. I have always worn it as a reminder of my sweet Lyndsay. But its message has helped me these past weeks. I don't know the complete worth of these past 5 years. I do know that I don't regret any of it. Would I do it again knowing there wouldn't be a baby at the end? Well, right now, today, I would seriously have to ponder that. But knowing all I've learned and how much I've grown and matured and stretched, I would do it in a heartbeat! Why? Because I trust God. I trust Him with my life and my family. He knows me. He knows the righteous desires of my heart, even if I won't be blessed with them all in this life. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, “Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.”

Only one part of our journey is over. There is much more of our whole journey ahead. And as I now begin to grow again as a pruned back bush, I look forward to the day when I will be able to say to the Gardener, without sadness, with tears of gratitude and with a bound up heart, “Thank you for loving me enough to cut me down”, because then I will see just what He sees I can be.

A Loss.

It's expected that you grieve at the loss of a child that everyone knew, loved and misses.

But how do you explain that you are grieving for the loss of a child you never knew?

Or that may have never been born?

It is impossible.

Unless you are doing it.

We are doing it.

We are grieving.

Even though we never held a baby in our arms. With a name. A closet full of clothes. A favorite blankie. We are grieving.

It is a loss when adoption doesn't happen the way you had hoped and dreamed it would.

Our 5 year adoption journey is now at a close.

But please don't cry for me Argentina!

We grieve, but we are at peace.

And Daniel and I know we have the most bestest and greatest and most dynamic kids in the whole world! Seriously! We do. If you don't believe me, come see!

I would like to thank those who have helped us travel this 5 year journey. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your fasts. Thank you for taking us to the temple with you. Thank you for your tears, your concern, your genuine interest in the growth of our family. Thank you for sharing our pass along cards. Thank you for thinking of us when certain circumstances had you thinking of us. Thank you for putting our pass along cards on your blogs and up at the gym and grocery store. Thank you to each of you whose shoulders were wet from my tears. Thank you to each of you who, when I said I was okay, knew better and gave loving hugs. Thank you to our families who willingly supported, fasted and prayed. Thank you to my adoption friends who “know” and know that I love and appreciate you!

Please understand that we are not ready to talk about our most recent experience. Hugs and kind words are greatly appreciated.

The Sting.

Another thing I have learned over this long waiting period is how acute the sting can be. And this covers many things. The sting of not being in control. The sting of another announcing she's pregnant and has a due date. The sting of a young single teenager choosing to parent on her own. The sting of a failed adoption. The sting of knowing someone has experienced a loss. The sting of personally experiencing a loss and not having anyone understand that. The sting of parents hurting their children. The sting of letting go so I can move on.

I really don't want this post to be about how hurt one can be. Just know that the sting is harsh. It sits right in the middle of my heart and my belly. And it will always be there.

But what I have learned as I have felt those stings is that they can be lessened. They can be healed. The lessening comes in putting all my trust and faith in the Lord. He knows me. I know that. In fact, even when I complain, I know He knows me and the sting I am feeling. He will lessen the sting if I let Him. Sometimes it's hard to let Him. But isn't that why He came? Didn't He suffer and bleed so that I don't have to? The sting can only be lessened when we turn to Him. Completely. Wholly. Faithfully. When I let Him help me, the sting lessens and the healing begins.


I am not completely healed. In fact, it may take years before I don't feel the sting of so many things so acutely. But I am on my way. When I pray I feel peace. When I look at a new baby I feel peace. When I go to the temple I feel peace. When I look at my blessings-Daniel, Isaac, Samuel and Ruthann-I certainly feel peace. And those are the things I love to give my heart and soul to. My sweet blessings. They are here and they are mine. And blessings are salve to a sting. In putting my trust and faith in my Savior and giving all I have to my family, I am happy and have peace.

Adoption Friendships.

So what else have I learned during this long wait for another child? I wish I could share it all with you. But, again, I am doing highlights.

Today I want to talk about the friendships.

The China paper chase process began almost 5 years ago. When our agency people came to visit us and begin, they mentioned a family who was also starting the process who lives just 5 minutes away. They said they know us! I was a tad confused. Who else is going to China that lives 5 minutes away and knows us? No one had said anything to us. Then they explained.

That began a friendship that I have cherished. Kim, Jon and their daughter Jessica. Jon is actually a brother to Daniel's sister's hubby. Did that make sense? So we had seen each other and chatted every once in a while at family gatherings for Daniel's sister and Jon's brother and their family. But now, with China in our sights, Kim and I became very close.

We spend our summers at the dollar movies with our kids. And let me tell you about our kids. Jessica and Ruthann are like long lost sisters when they're together. I love the time our kids can spend together. Kim and I meet for lunch often. We confide in each other. Church callings, adoption, raising our adopted daughters, marriage, home, extended family, China, and anything else that comes to mind.

Recently Kim and Jon looked into the Special Needs program in China. And guess what?! They found their daughter!! They are getting all the paperwork done so they can go get her and bring her home. I am so thrilled for them. Jessica will be 10 soon. I think she's ready to be a big sister.

Another friendship I cherish is Leanne's. One day, while in the paper chase process, I got a phone call. She said she was with the same agency and wanted to know more about adopting from Guatemala. I was happy to talk adoption, but told her I didn't know anything at all about Guatemala's program. She meant China. We talked quite a bit. I can do that about China adoption. We became fast friends.

Leanne and I used to get together often for lunch to talk about adoption, our agency, children and other things. You wanna know something amazing about Leanne? She adopted her daughter almost 2 years ago. I knew her as a single lady with no children. Now I know her as a mom. Her daughter is beautiful and Leanne has blossomed into a beautiful mom. We were supposed to go to China together. (at least we hoped we would) I don't know if we will. But I am grateful for the friendship I have with her that I otherwise wouldn't without this long wait.

Those aren't all of them. Andrea is a great lady who still waits with her husband. I hope she goes to China soon!!! Very soon!

I have had phone conversations with others who are also waiting. Who have, in one way or another, affected my life. If we hadn't began the process when we did, Kim and I most likely wouldn't have solidified a friendship that will last forever. If we hadn't began when we did and told our agency that they could give our number to people looking into adopting from China, I would never have gotten that phone call from Leanne. And so many other people would never have touched my life.

And then there are the people who have touched my life just right here at home. I have had people who I have known for a long time confide in me about infertility, adoption, loss, foster care and many other things. Who knew that just having paperwork in China and a profile up through LDSFS that I could connect with so many people.

I will never regret beginning this process. Even if my arms never hold another baby that I call my own. These friendships have been salve to my soul. Thank you Kim. Thank you Leanne. Thank you Andrea. Thank you lady in southern Utah. Thank you perky gal from Salt Lake. Thank you everyone. You really may never know how your friendship has lifted me up.

Temple Blessings.

As I have been looking over my list of things learned while waiting for another baby over the past 5 years, I get a little choked up. I really have learned a lot. But more than that, the things that I have already known have been re-taught and re-emphasized so that my knowledge has grown and been made stronger.

One of the greatest blessings of adoption, actually, the crowning glory of adoption, is going to the temple together. Not as a couple, but as a family. When we went to the temple to have Ruthann sealed to us it was an experience that taught our boys the beauty and strength found in the House of the Lord. Daniel and I have wanted that opportunity again!! And so have my kids. But the truth is, we can't take our kids in the temple just because we want to. There has to be a purpose while they are so young. Here's what I've learned about taking my family to the temple during the wait.

We sat in the temple as a family one day. Daniel was kneeling across from me, Ruthann was between us being held by Abbie, our boys were sitting on the closest chairs with Grandma, our dads were sitting as witnesses, and my brother Aaron was close by in spirit. Much of our family was there with us. What a beautiful day. Our daughter was sealed to us as if she were born in the covenant. I cried tears of Joy that day.

We talk about that day a lot. I want them to remember it. To want to go back. So far it's working. All of my children want to go back. We talk about what mom and dad do when we go to the temple. We go so often that when I asked one of our babysitters to babysit, she said, "Doing the usual?" I looked at her kind of strangely I guess. She said, "Going to the temple?" Even she knows we go often. When Daniel and I have gone on a date in jeans, my kids are confused as to why we are wearing jeans to the temple. Sometimes we just go to a movie.

We have a beautiful picture of the temple on our wall. It's a constant reminder that I want ALL of my family there. It would be easy (hah!) to just focus on going back when we have another baby sealed to us. But as Daniel and I have been feeling more like our family is done, we will have to wait a little longer before we are all in the temple together. I remember being in the temple with Daniel's family for his sister's wedding. His parents talked about having ALL of their children in the temple. I remember being in the temple with my family. My brother Aaron passed away several years ago. When Ruthie was sealed to us and as my brothers have married, ALL of my siblings were in the temple with my parents. What a tremendous Joy for parents to be in the temple with all of their children. And their children's spouses. I look forward to that day for my little family.

As for what I've learned...No matter when we will all be in the temple together, Daniel and I set a precedence. We go often, as we've been counseled. We talk about the temple as a family often. We visit temple grounds and talk about worthiness often. Our previous Bishop would always ask our kids during tithing settlement what blessings we have received as a family because of paying tithing. The answer is always-Being able to go to the temple. And being able to go to the temple, talking about the blessings of the temple, and going to the temple often, strengthens our eternal family! Oh my heart!

National Adoption Month 2010.

It's November. National Adoption Month. And I haven't written a thing about it. I have gone back and read what I wrote last November. Holy Super Writing Batman! Since I don't feel particularly sassy and stuff at the moment, I thought I'd share something that has been on my mind the past few days.

As we come to almost 5 years since beginning the process, I have been feeling an urgency to write down all the things I've learned. My list is several pages long and I just barely started. So I thought I might just take a moment a few times this month and share just a peak of what I've learned with you.
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I have developed a great testimony of the Law of the Fast. Fasting in our church is done on a monthly basis, on the first Sunday of the month. We Fast other times as well. But let me go back just a bit.

When I was diagnosed with Diabetes, the first thing my sister Katie said to me when I got home from the hospital was, "You are so lucky! You never have to Fast again!" And so I stuck with it. I never have to Fast. And for 27 years I have been proud and unabashed and downright obnoxious about Fasting. Neener neener neener! I don't have to Faaaast! But YOU do! Neener neener neener! Yep. Totally obnoxious.

A bit over a year ago, Daniel and I were in the temple. I go to the temple often with adoption on my mind and in my heart. This particular visit was no different. I needed direction from the Lord on what to do next. It came very clearly. We needed to invite our families to join us in a family Fast. But it didn't stop there. We needed to do it quickly! Urgently! The following Sunday. And not just Fast for us, but for our birth mom. And some specifics were laid out in that regard. Wow. I was a little stunned sitting there in the temple and being directed to have a family Fast. Didn't He know I sneered at the thought usually? Of course He did. But here's where He is (always) so much smarter than I.

I told Daniel when we met in the Celestial room. He agreed. So we contacted our families and invited them with the specific instructions I was given. You wouldn't believe the responses we got in return. Although you may. Because you aren't a sneerer like me! My favorite and the one that brought a flash of tears to my eyes was my brother in law Clark. "We join with you gladly!" Oh my heart.

We Fasted. We really Fasted. And prayed. And prayed some more. We Fasted for us. We prayed and Fasted for our birth mom and all that she would be facing. It was powerful. Truly a powerful day. I could feel the strength of family. I could feel the strength of the Fast. I was humbled and I was being taught.

My heart was softened and the Lord taught me a powerful lesson that week. The Law of the Fast is essential to me. Even if I can't skip a meal. I can fully participate in the Fast and I can reap the blessings associated with fasting. One thing I have learned during this process is that I now have a deep, strong and steadfast testimony of Fasting and its power in my life.

What's Going On?

There is a lot going on in my mind and my heart right now. No. Nothing to announce. In fact, I wonder what it is that my family, and me in particular, are supposed to be learning during this horrendous wait. I know of many women, who, over the past 4 years since we have begun waiting for our next child, have had 2 or even 3 babies. Oh my heart.

I have been asked by several women over the past few weeks if I'm okay. I say I am. With that slight smile that could tell anyone asking that I'm not. But I can't really share the things going on in my heart and mind right now. How do you tell someone who hasn't been waiting for over 4 years for a child how you feel? Honestly, I don't know.

I should put in here that we have had a busy summer. Cruise. Water. Movies. Camping. BBQs. Cousins. Lagoon. Bikes. Frosty Freezy Freeze treats. Friends. Crafts. We are never bored. So I have had a lot to keep me busy. And my kids are terrific entertainers. Today they single handedly put together a show to film and then send in to America's Funniest Home Videos. It's very clever. You'd never know it was staged. They make me laugh!! And when we rode rides at Lagoon, Sam would yell out, "I'm too young to die!" and "Whoever made this is crazy!" Do you know how hard it is to laugh when screaming on a roller coaster?!

So what is it I'm trying to say? Heck! I don't know. I really need to put more energy into sharing our fun with you, though! I need to take my camera with me more often. We are more than halfway through our summer! Yikes. And then my babies will be gone ALL DAY! ALL 3 OF THEM! What will I do with myself? I am working on that. Something will come to me. Daniel asked if I would get a job. HA!! I don't know that many of you knew me when I worked. It's not a good thing! The workforce is better off without the likes of me! But I will figure something out. And maybe I'll let you know. So for this Sunday evening, goodnight.

Oh. And never believe a lady who has been waiting for an elusive adoption and says she is okay. She's not. She might just need a hug. Or something.

Excuse Me?

What was that you said?

Did I hear you right?

My kids are the cutest in the world?

Why, of course they are!

Check out this site.

Spaces for Faces.

Scroll down down down.

If you didn't see it yet, scroll down some more.

Did you see our pass along card with my kids on it?

Yep!

Cute kids

and a subtle reminder that we

Are. Still. Waiting.

P.S. The lady who made our cards at this place was FANTASTIC! I highly recommend them!

My Soapbox.

As many of you are aware, there has been some news time given to International Adoption as of late. My heart is broken and I feel the need to stand on a soapbox for a moment.

First, every child deserves a mother and a father! No question in my mind. EVERY CHILD deserves a mother and a father. There are children all over the world, who, through no fault of their own, do not have a mommy and daddy. Disaster, illness, death, abandonment, selfishness, politics, and many other things have given way to create children we refer to as orphans. There is no way to express the pain in my heart for all those children who do not have a home and a mommy and daddy. To love them. To nurture them. To feed them. To kiss and hug them. To protect them. To provide for them. I would love to see all of the orphaned children and all the children who are abused and/or neglected be placed in a home with parents and love and protection. I am not asking that everyone now try to adopt. It can't work like that. But those who feel a desire to have a child join their family. Who feel that there is one more person who needs to be with them. Do it. Do it boldly. And do it now. And to the governments who put regulations and limitations on who can adopt and under what circumstances they can adopt. Knock it off! Thank you!

Second, International Adoption (from now on IA) is a difficult and heart wrenching experience. I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into when we brought our daughter home. How she would change our lives forever. How she would look at her brothers with so much love and admiration. How she would wrap people around her finger no matter where she was. How she would smile and how my heart sang when she did. Nor did I realize how difficult it would be. I refer to the first 3 months we had her in our arms as “Hell On Wheels”. It was hard. I didn't leave the house for 3 months. I only went grocery shopping after she was asleep for the night. I held on to anything that looked like she trusted me with all I had. I had to prove myself. I had to teach her that I would always be there for her. That I would never leave her. That I love her with all my heart, even though she didn't even know me. After 3 months of intense attachment therapy, I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. When a child has been institutionalized, there are deep rooted issues that many are not ever aware of. Some of that comes out as mistrust. Some comes out as violence. Some comes out as self destruction. I can't tell you how grateful I am that Daniel and I (and our boys) stuck with our sweet girl. That we worked hard each and every day and night to teach her that we are hers. Forever. There is help for those who need it. There are people who can step in and correct behavior and teach a parent how to parent a previously institutionalized child. How to attach to a newly adopted child. I wish every IA parent went into IA with eyes wide open and all the resources listed and ready to be contacted!

Third, Adoption is wonderful and part of Heavenly Father's plan. There is something about adoption that rings true and everlasting and real. We are all adopted, afterall. As children of Christ, we are all adopted. Isn't it wonderful?! When we, as husband and wife, realize that birthing our children is not part of the plan for us, many turn to adoption. But it has to be a full hearted turn. Both have to agree and feel the necessary pull to it. If one or both don't, it will never work. Children are an heritage of the Lord (Psalm 127:3). Adoption is hard. Heck! Parenting is hard. But the children are worth it. If they weren't, well my dears, we would have been lost a long time ago. We were all children once ourselves. And to have the wonderful and beautiful title of Parent or more specifically, Mother, we should do everything in our power to give our children everything they need!

And lastly, the little boy who was sent back to Russia. I hope he gets the help he needs. I hope a family is found for him that will love him and nurture him and help him. I hope the mother who sent him on a plane by himself to fly half way around the world has justice brought to her.

And now I'll step off the soapbox.

Just Checking.

I've never had to “check” myself when someone announces she's pregnant. Never had to force a smile now and then cry later. I have always been happy for her. At least it wasn't me. Because, you know, pregnancy is my mortal enemy.

But lately, I've had to check myself. I've had to force a smile now, and then break down and cry later. It's not that I'm not happy for a pregnancy. It's not that I want to be pregnant. It's simple really. She has a due date. A day when her baby will be in her arms. She can hear her baby's heartbeat. She can see little toes and little fingers. She has an end date to shoot for. She knows.

And that's where my heartache is right now. I don't have a due date. I don't hear a heartbeat. I don't see little toes and little fingers. I just don't know.

Now I've had well meaners say, “But at least you don't have to do all the work.” Ouch. Really. I would gladly do all the work and more to get my family here. But it's just not possible for me to physically do it. I have to wait. Not knowing. Not seeing. Not hearing. Just waiting.

Waiting hurts a whole lot.

So when I look like I've been crying. When I snap at meaningless things. When you wonder what my problem is. Please be patient. Please know that my heart is trying. I really am happy for all the babies that will come soon. I really am. And so my heart is really trying. But my heart is hurting. A lot. And there isn't really anything anyone can say or do that will help. Please understand that.

I find Joy each day with my family. I love what I do and who I am surrounded by. But I have to put extra protection around my heart just to survive. Just to breathe. I stay close to what I already have and love it that much more. I rejoice for what I have. I have a lot. And I look forward to having my heart whole again.

Our Letter.

Dear Birth Mom,

I know that sounds impersonal...birth mom. But it is a title you should wear proudly. You are already held in high esteem at our house. We can't wait to know your name. Then our letter will be complete.

We can't even begin to imagine what you have been experiencing and feeling in the past months. But we can probably describe what we have felt, in just a few words, and find that you have felt these same things in your own way. Grief, loss, sadness, heartache, loneliness, anger, resentment, uncontrollable tears, confusion, peace, comfort, lifted, and in a way, beginning to heal. Your choice doesn't come because of the grief and anger and confusion. It comes from the peace and comfort you have received. Peace and comfort that we have prayed you would have.

Through these extremes in feelings and emotions, we have both come to the same conclusion. Adoption. The word alone can conjure up feelings of fear, sadness, loneliness, heartache and loss. But when done in the right spirit, it can bring feelings of hope, peace, comfort and joy. I hope that prayer and counsel from those who love you have led you to this selfless and valiant choice.

As a family, we have felt a void where another little body should be. But we have to depend on someone else, you, to provide that body. The Spirit that will fill that body will be a valiant one and one who will be coming to this life with a special purpose. The first purpose is to bring us together. I can't tell you how much we are looking forward to meeting you. To having you in our lives and to provide a home and mommy and daddy for your baby. We look forward to knowing you. The birth mother to our little one.

In January, 2009, Daniel and I felt very strongly that someone would be born and we needed to be ready. That led us to action. We got all our paperwork done and turned in. Then we had our classes required by LDSFS. When we had the birth parent panel, I felt so many emotions. How could we not love someone, you, who will give life to such a precious baby? We began to love you, to pray for you that day. Our prayer for you has evolved. We hope you have felt the power behind our prayers, our family's prayers and the prayers of so many others in your behalf. Peace, love, hope. Even though this is a scary time, we hope you have felt those feelings of comfort.

So now that we are at this point, we need to look to the future. What will happen once this precious baby is placed? Considering how much we already love you, the huge section of our hearts that you hold, We can't imagine our lives without you in it. We hope we can work to build a relationship based on love, trust and friendship. And of course, having a beautiful baby in common is a wonderful blessing.

You continue to be in our hearts, in our prayers and on our minds every day. We love you. We hope you will grow to love us. We pray that Heavenly Father will continue to bless you and that you will feel an extra portion of the Spirit in your life each day.

With much love,
Jennie and Daniel

Clarification.

I have had a few people ask about Haiti's orphans coming into the States. The questions are geared toward our own desire to adopt. Just to clarify...The children who have come into the U.S. so far had already been matched to their adoptive families, and many had already even met, even many times. The sending of orphans to the U.S. and other countries has stopped for paperwork and red tape sake at this point. Of course, if you have been or are involved in an international adoption, you know that red tape is a must! Haiti will not be sending any children to any country for adoption without much paperwork and research. My heart goes out to families continuing to wait for their children to finally be in their arms. I continue to watch and listen and pray. If our plans change...I'll let you know.

Guest Post...

I was asked to do a guest post on this blog. I just sent it to her last night, and here it is. I almost feel famous. But not really. Go read and enjoy the other posts!


http://ldsinfertility.blogspot.com/

And I thought I Was Okay.

But apparently I wasn't. I have been keeping busy and have had many little reminders that we are on the right path leading to the rest of our family. I have an incredible family and we are all healthy and happy. We do lots of fun things and have just put baby stuff out of mind. At least that was the plan until after Christmas.

Last night we went to Daniel's parents' house for a special FHE while his sister Lisa was here from Colorado. It was so nice. We were late because Daniel has a super long commute and had to eat dinner, so we missed the piano performances. But we got to visit and watch a beautiful DVD that Daniel's sister Shelba and her hubby made for their parents' 50th anniversary. Which was a little while ago. It was amazing!

Then we got to visit with Santa (grandpa). And, of course, I had forgotten my camera. Duh! But as we were getting ready to leave, Daniel's sister Jennifer asked how I was. And she was asking sincerely and with her heart. So I told her it was hard and then I cried. I have had people ask me before how the adoption is going. While I have answered, and guarded my heart, they sometimes would be easily distracted by something far more interesting than me. So I continue to guard my heart. But a genuine interest breaks down that wall and I let my emotions go. I don't do it very often. But Jennifer's pure interest in ME did it. We talked for a few minutes more until I really needed to go. I cried on the way home and when Daniel was cuddling me, I told him that I had thought that I was okay. But I'm not. Well, I am. But I'm not. I know it doesn't make sense. But I get it. And that's what matters.

On a happier note, Daniel's sister Marylynne gave us some corn nuts. Oh the memories. Corn nuts. We used to walk to the Quick Stop when we were kids and buy cheap treats. Like Lemon Heads, Boston Baked Beans and Sixlets. Yummy. For like .10 cents a box. (I feel so old) I remember wanting to get corn nuts. My dad would get them and I thought they were awesome. I tell ya, I always felt a little skanky buying corn nuts. I have no idea why! Seriously. To me, it almost felt like a sin to buy them. Weird, I know. But last night...I got some corn nuts. I still feel a little skanky. But I am eating them. Just don't ask me about them at church!

JOY!

In our scripture study last night we read 2 Nephi 2:25. It reads, “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have JOY”. Simply stated, we are here to experience JOY.

I have been wracking my poor little old brain for some brilliance for the last day of National Adoption Month. There are soooo many more subjects to discuss. But none felt right. So I thought that the simplicity of JOY would do. I hope you will agree.

When our Heavenly Father's plan was presented to us in the Pre Mortal Life, we knew many things. We knew that we would have the potential to be just like our Heavenly Father. We knew we would have a body. We knew we would be exposed to sin. We knew we would have a Savior. We knew we would be able to choose. We were taught many things. We knew we could return to live with our Heavenly Father again.

But I wonder if we knew the challenges we would each personally face in this life. Did I know beforehand that I would face the challenges I have faced in my life? Did I know I would develop Diabetes and how it would effect my whole life? Did I know I would lose my brother while he was so young? Did I know that it would be so painful to just get my family here? Did I know how my heart would hurt so much?

I don't know. I do know that I accepted His plan. Just as each of you did. I know that I was sufficiently prepared in the Pre Mortal Life and that I was given a firm foundation in my younger years. I know that as I go through the trials I face, I am strengthened and that the end goal of returning to my Heavenly Father is that much more important to me.

So where does JOY come into play? Adam fell. We all know the story. He fell so that men might be. We would not have been able to participate in the plan if Adam and Eve hadn't partaken of the fruit. They did. Boy am I grateful! Men are that they might have JOY. JOY! Do you feel the power behind that word? Not just to survive. Not just to get through this life. Not just to be happy, even. We are here to have JOY.

JOY is associated with Christmas time. JOY to the world. JOY in the season. I think we get what JOY means. It's an intense or elated happiness. A source of great pleasure. To rejoice. Look around you. What do you see? A messy house? A mountain of dirty clothes? Dirty dishes in the sink? A stack of papers you must get through today? A list of phone calls to make? Your warm home? Your full kitchen cabinents? Your scriptures? A picture of the temple? A picture of Christ? The beauty outside your window? Your spouse? Your children? Your JOY?

JOY. Despite the challenges and trials I have faced and will continue to face in this life, I know who I am. I know that I chose to be here. I know that I have to work to get the best things in this life. I know it is all worth the pain and sacrifice. I know in whom I trust. As we get ready for the celebration of our Savior's birth, it is my hope that we will each remember to have JOY! Afterall, that's why we're here!

The Red Thread.

Warning: Long!

A year after Ruthie's adoption, I got a phone call from a ward in a nearby town asking if Daniel and I would come and speak in their ward. At first I was a little weirded out. He didn't know us. He said that a woman in his ward told him that he had to get us to come and speak about our miracles and something about a spool of thread. It took me a minute. But then I realized what he was referring to. And after we spoke in his ward, we found out that this woman was a friend of a couple in our ward who told her about when we spoke about the Red Thread Connection and the miracles we had experienced. Seeing it's National Adoption Month, I thought I'd share that talk with you. My original talk will be just normal red type. And any thoughts I'd like to add will be in () with black type.

We are here to talk about something very important to us. Adoption. And more specifically, International Adoption. Our boys are ours through the miracle of biology and our daughter is ours through the miracle of adoption.

There is an ancient Chinese belief that says...”An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break.” It's really more than just a nice saying. In our experience it is very apparent that there is a RED THREAD connection. It is explained with more familiarity in Doctrine & Covenants 132:46 “And verily, verily, I say unto you, that whatsoever you seal on earth shall be sealed in heaven; and whatsoever you bind on earth, in my name and by my word, saith the Lord, it shall be eternally bound in the heavens...” The RED THREAD connection is an ETERNAL CONNECTION.

Our Eternal Connection didn't just start when we got married in the temple or decided to adopt. It's Eternal, it has no beginning and no end.

When I was 12, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I learned very quickly that my chances of having a large family biologically were slim. I knew I would need to be fine with a much smaller family when that time came.

When I was 18, I was living and working in Southern California. One night I was watching a late night news program about Romanian orphanages. It showed the conditions of the orphanages and talked about the reasons the children had been abandoned. They followed a few American couples who were going over to adopt. As I watched that program, I felt the tug of the Red Thread. I knew that one day I wanted to adopt internationally.

10 years later the Red Thread connection brought Daniel and me together. (finally!) The night we got engaged, we talked about a future family. I mentioned to Daniel that I wanted to adopt. He said let's do it. So we got married. We knew that biological children and adopted children were part of our Red Thread and we were ready to do both to get our family here.

After we got married, I was given medical clearance to have a baby, and within a couple of months I was expecting Isaac. Pregnancy is a wonderful thing! But it just didn't get along with me. Both of my pregnancies, 2 years apart, were very much the same. I had hyperemisis and bed rest. This was due in part to my Diabetes. (But not all of it was the Diabetes. My body just does not like being pregnant) Both pregnancies threatened my life and the threat was greater the second time. The Red Thread connection brought us our 2 healthy boys and we knew that the biological thread was complete.

A few months after Sam's first birthday, the Red Thread started tugging at our hearts and we knew it was time to start getting ready for adoption. Now, every time we talked to people about adoption, the same country would come up. We had already started leaning toward that country, but the way that it came up from other people when we talked about adoption was uncanny. With research, prayer, fasting and temple visits, we knew that this country was where we would get the rest of our family.

We soon found an agency and in July of 2003 we began what is called in the adoption world, “The Paper Chase”. There is literally a mountain of paperwork involved in adoption.

By Fall of 2003 we were paper ready for the INS. To adopt a child internationally, you need INS approval to bring the child into the US. There are a lot of legalities to conform to with international adoption. We knew we had a long wait ahead of us for the approval.

While we were waiting, we were informed by our agency that the country we were going to was looking at closing most, if not all, of it's adoption programs. They were hoping to be able to keep at least a few agencies licensed who had a good adoption record. (Our agency was one that had a perfect track record in that country and we were pretty sure that we would still be able to have our adoption facilitated by our agency) Many agencies and individuals had been going about adoption by illegal means. By the end of December 2003, the country had completely shut down ALL adoption programs. We were at a dead end.

We saw 3 options at that point:
1.Leave our agency and find someone who would get our baby from that country illegally. Not an option for us. (the man who spoke after us that day in our own ward said that he learned something new everyday, including finding out that a very nice person will seriously think about breaking the law)
2.This is Heavenly Father's way of telling us that our earthly family was complete. Well, we still felt the Red Thread tugging at our hearts.
3.Find another country. Our second country choice had just had a revolt within it's borders and the government had collapsed. Sooo.....
The Red Thread was continuing to tug at us. But we were at a dead end. We didn't know where to go or what to do.

One day, not long after getting word, I was having a melt down. (Hey, that sounds familiar. My melt downs must be eternally connected to adoption) Daniel came and comforted me by saying, “Many times the Lord will lead us to a dead end to get us to something better. Maybe the baby wasn't here yet. Maybe we aren't ready yet. We have done all the right things to know what to do and where to go. The Lord will lead us to the right place. It's just not the right time.”

We knew we needed to keep going. Daniel called our agency and talked to the director about what our options were. I could only hear Daniel's end of the conversation. And I didn't like what I was hearing. China. You mean he wants us to get our baby from a communist country?! I was NOT happy. But, of course, we did the usual. We prayed, we fasted, we researched, we went to the temple. I wasn't feeling anything. Daniel kept asking me what I wanted to do. One night while getting ready for bed, I said, “Okay, let's do China. If it's another dead end, we'll deal with it.” Daniel said, “Finally!” (It took a long time for me to be comfortable with this decision. I think until after our paperwork went to China)

We called our agency and got the information on what paperwork we needed to do. We got our INS approval rather quickly, too! Our paperwork got to China in June 2004. At the time, the “wait” was 7 months. (If only....whimper) As we waited, the wait went down to 6 months.

But 5 ½ months later, (this was the shortest the wait for China ever got. After we got our referral, the wait started to lengthen...) December 2004, we received our referral. It had beautiful pictures, a sketchy medical report and an inaccurate developmental record. She was in foster care through her Social Welfare Institute in her province. She was born November 5, 2003 and was 13 months old. She was born the same time our original country's adoption programs were shutting down. (Obviously the Lord knew where she was and we were going to the wrong place initially) Her name was --Li Qiu. Her surname (which I won't put here, along with other identifying info) was for the SWI, her first and second name were translated to Autumn Thunderclap. We knew she was ours because we already had our Spring Thunderclaps! Next we are hoping for a Light Summer Breeze or at the most a Light Rain. (My mom enjoys telling me that nurture is everything and that I should never think I will have a Light Anything when it comes to a baby. Of course, she's being funny...) There was a paper on which they wanted us to check one of two boxes. We checked the ACCEPT box and sent that back to China so we could wait for our Travel Approval and Consulate appointment.

By the middle of February of 2005, we had our Travel Approval in hand and our boys safely at grandma and grandpa's house and we were on a plane headed for Beijing. We spent a quick day touring the important cultural sites of the land of our daughter's birth...the Great Wall, Tienanmen Square and the Forbidden City.

The following day we flew to the capital of our daughter's province. We had to wait another day....blah! And then on February 16, 2005, we packed a diaper bag and boarded the bus with 7 other couples and went to the Civil Affairs office where we finally, one by one, had our babies brought into us.

They handed Ruthann LiQiu to me and we were both crying...me-due to sheer joy to finally have my daughter in my arms, and Ruthann-due to sheer terror going to someone who looked, smelled and sounded so different from anything she had ever heard or seen in her short 15 months of life. We finally had her in our arms. The Red Thread connected! She was legally ours that day.

5 days later we traveled to the Guangdong province to the city of Guangzhou, to await our appointment at the US Consulate and to receive her VISA.

We flew home just a couple of days later and Ruthann became a US citizen as soon as we touched down on US soil. We got our boys and were amazed at how the Red Thread had connected us to a perfect addition to our family from the other side of the world. All 3 kids took to each other and we were officially a family of 5.

Now all we needed was to get to the temple for the crowning event! On April 9, 2005, all 5 of us entered the temple to have Ruthann sealed to us. In the sealing room, with our boys sitting next to the altar, Daniel and I knelt across from each other once again and Ruthann was sealed to us “As If” she were born in the covenant. She was Eternally ours! And she had access to ALL the blessings our boys do. The Red Thread connection was finally complete. In the temple that day, with our 3 children, we felt a very real connection to Eternity and the Celestial Kingdom. And that's what this is all about. Being with those we love the most. For Eternity.

The Red Thread has started tugging at our hearts again and in January (2006) we began the paper chase for our little Sarajune. I know the Red Thread that connected us to Ruthann will again connect us to our next baby. Though the thread may stretch and tangle, just as it did in our journey to Ruthann, I know in the end we will be blessed with our OUR baby.

When you look closely at our family you will see a trans racial family. That's okay, because we are. But if you look even closer, you will see that we are a HAPPY family. We are a happy family because we are an ETERNAL FAMILY with access to ALL that our Heavenly Father has.

I am forever in debt to the woman who gave my daughter life and placed her in a public place early the next morning to be found, and 15 months later to be placed in my arms. I look forward to the eternities when I can meet her, put my arms around her and thank her for her sacrifice.

Whew! As I read through this yesterday, I was again reminded of the power of the priesthood and the sealing power that connects us as eternal families. That Red Thread has been twisting and turning and going in directions we never dreamed of. But it is taking us in the right direction. Our family will be complete here on earth and for eternity. We just have to wait for the Red Thread, or the Eternal Connection, to join us together! Finally!

Yabba Dabba Doo.

What do you learn while watching cartoons on Boomerang?

Knowledge.

Yes.

Knowledge.

And understanding.

A broader view of humankind and our need for a family.

By adoption.

As our children watched an episode of The Flinstones, Daniel and I were strengthened in our purpose to adopt.

Why?

Well, because Barney and Betty adopted Bamm-Bamm, of course.

He was left on their door step in a basket. They adopted him. They loved him. They raised him and he grew to be an upstanding member of fictional bedrock society.

Adoption has been around for ages.

It just makes me proud to be a part of the adoptive family set.

Did you know that even though Bamm-Bamm was named because of his strength and ability to bam a club, he grew to be a passive adult who wanted to be a screen writer?

He married the girl next door. Pebbles. Together they had twins, Roxy and Chip.

They were a happy family.

Have a yabba dabba doo time!

That's Really Messed Up.

You've heard it before. Maybe even from someone unexpected. You say, "We're going to adopt." And someone says, "Hey! I know someone who was adopted. Man, was he really messed up. Did drugs, hit his mom..." You stand there. Baffled. Excuse me??

I have personally known many who were raised by biological parents who's choices would curl your toe nails.

Here is a list. It's a list of people who have amazing things in common.

Willie Nelson
Nancy Reagan
Sara McLachlan
Jamie Foxx
Eleanor Roosevelt
The "Babe"
Faith Hill
J.R.R. Tolkien
Bill Clinton
Steve Jobs
Jesse Jackson
Newt Gingrich
Dave Thomas
Nelson Mandela
John Lennon
Tim McGraw

And the list could go on.

What do they have in common?

Great things.

Amazing triumphs.

Incredible ideas.

Oh. And they were all adopted.