I looked at my watch and it was about 5:53 pm. And then I looked at the paper I needed for China and it said I needed to have it checked by a “street person” for verification. Strange. And then it occurred to me that I didn't pack anything in my unzipped suitcases. Nothing. No clothes, no toothbrush, no nothin'. I mentioned it to Mandy who just laughed a little. I called Daniel, who would be driving home from work, to ask him to bring me my clothes. And toothbrush. And stuff. He didn't answer. So I called my kids at home to get my things together. And then I woke up.
Last week referrals came out for our LID. If we hadn't pulled our paperwork a year and a half ago, we would have a picture and information on our new daughter. Or son. But we pulled the paperwork. No referral. Just a really strange dream. I asked Daniel if he thought the dream meant we just aren't supposed to go to China. A reiteration, if you will. No clothes packed in the suitcases, no flight tickets, unzipped suitcases, and I don't even wear a watch! Daniel said it's just anxiety. Well, yeah. Me and my anxiety driven self have been up since 6:30 this morning.
I look at where we are now in our lives and know that Heavenly Father knew at the time what we didn't. I am helping to care for Daniel's mom right now. I can't imagine doing what needs to be done with a toddler who is working on attachment. Isaac begins junior high at the end of August, close to when we would be traveling. I will be able to focus on his preparation without travel plans and without a toddler who demands 24/7 care on attachment. One of my kids is having some health issues that need to be cared for at Primary Children's hospital and I can't imagine taking care of him while taking care of a toddler who is dealing with abandonment issues. And so many more things going on. Some that could be canceled or put off for the time if a toddler came. But many that are just how we live right now.
I sometimes wonder if I am trying to talk myself into just accepting (once again) the fact that we are finished. But I know that we are. I know that things have worked in our favor and in our best interest. And I do love where we are right now. I am so excited for the few who stayed and saw it through. They now have a referral and the future is bright for them and their growing families. And I am a bit sad for those of us who had to make the heartbreaking decision to be done before referrals came. Hearts will mend over time. And children keep us busy and Joyful.