I looked at my watch and it was about
5:53 pm. And then I looked at the paper I needed for China and it
said I needed to have it checked by a “street person” for
verification. Strange. And then it occurred to me that I didn't
pack anything in my unzipped suitcases. Nothing. No clothes, no
toothbrush, no nothin'. I mentioned it to Mandy who just laughed a
little. I called Daniel, who would be driving home from work, to ask
him to bring me my clothes. And toothbrush. And stuff. He didn't
answer. So I called my kids at home to get my things together. And
then I woke up.
Last week referrals came out for our
LID. If we hadn't pulled our paperwork a year and a half ago, we
would have a picture and information on our new daughter. Or son.
But we pulled the paperwork. No referral. Just a really strange
dream. I asked Daniel if he thought the dream meant we just aren't
supposed to go to China. A reiteration, if you will. No clothes
packed in the suitcases, no flight tickets, unzipped suitcases, and I
don't even wear a watch! Daniel said it's just anxiety. Well, yeah.
Me and my anxiety driven self have been up since 6:30 this morning.
I look at where we are now in our lives
and know that Heavenly Father knew at the time what we didn't. I am
helping to care for Daniel's mom right now. I can't imagine doing
what needs to be done with a toddler who is working on attachment.
Isaac begins junior high at the end of August, close to when we would
be traveling. I will be able to focus on his preparation without
travel plans and without a toddler who demands 24/7 care on
attachment. One of my kids is having some health issues that need to
be cared for at Primary Children's hospital and I can't imagine
taking care of him while taking care of a toddler who is dealing with
abandonment issues. And so many more things going on. Some that
could be canceled or put off for the time if a toddler came. But
many that are just how we live right now.
I sometimes wonder if I am trying to
talk myself into just accepting (once again) the fact that we are
finished. But I know that we are. I know that things have worked in
our favor and in our best interest. And I do love where we are right
now. I am so excited for the few who stayed and saw it through.
They now have a referral and the future is bright for them and their
growing families. And I am a bit sad for those of us who had to make
the heartbreaking decision to be done before referrals came. Hearts
will mend over time. And children keep us busy and Joyful.