Every Spring for the past 9 years, I would have an overwhelming sense of “down”. Kinda depressed and just down. It didn't last long, just a few weeks, maybe a month. I finally, that first year, realized why. My brother Aaron died in the Spring 9 years ago. And even though I knew it was coming over the years, I still was surprised when I felt that sharp sting. But it isn't as painful a sting as it used to be.
Earlier this year when our dream of adding another child to our family was finished I had a conversation with my mom. Knowing what it was like to lose a child, she told me, that over time, the loss wouldn't be the first thing I think of when I wake up. At the time, I just thought it would take forever! But over this short time since, that sting has lessened and it isn't the foremost thought in my mind.
Over the past couple of weeks I have had a struggle of sorts. Was is that school was starting? Was it that summer fun was done? I began again to go through all the feelings I know of and could possibly be ignoring about the adoption. But I still couldn't place it exactly. Until Sunday night. Ruthie and I had already made a plan and executed part of that plan and knew what this week represented. But the sting was sharp all at once. It was one year ago, Monday, August 30, that Lyndsay came to the door as Ruthie was getting ready for bed. I told Lyndsay that Ruthie couldn't play, but to come back tomorrow after school! For sure she could play then. That night Lyndsay was swept away by Life Flight and swiftly returned to her Heavenly Father. Ruthie didn't get to play with Lyndsay again.
We miss Lyndsay. We hope the morning of the first resurrection comes swiftly. I know that only a year later, the sting is still sharp and isn't easily lessened. Time doesn't take the memories away. Time doesn't end the sting. Time doesn't heal all wounds. Time only gives us time to ponder and remember and look forward to a wonderful reunion. For 9 years I have looked forward to seeing my baby brother again. For 1 year I have looked forward to seeing our sweet Lyndsay again. And boy do I look forward to it!
Lyndsay, Aaron, Rebecca, Heidi, Opah, Grandpa, Grandma Shelba, Zenda...We love you. We miss you. Come back soon.