I've never had to “check” myself when someone announces she's pregnant. Never had to force a smile now and then cry later. I have always been happy for her. At least it wasn't me. Because, you know, pregnancy is my mortal enemy.
But lately, I've had to check myself. I've had to force a smile now, and then break down and cry later. It's not that I'm not happy for a pregnancy. It's not that I want to be pregnant. It's simple really. She has a due date. A day when her baby will be in her arms. She can hear her baby's heartbeat. She can see little toes and little fingers. She has an end date to shoot for. She knows.
And that's where my heartache is right now. I don't have a due date. I don't hear a heartbeat. I don't see little toes and little fingers. I just don't know.
Now I've had well meaners say, “But at least you don't have to do all the work.” Ouch. Really. I would gladly do all the work and more to get my family here. But it's just not possible for me to physically do it. I have to wait. Not knowing. Not seeing. Not hearing. Just waiting.
Waiting hurts a whole lot.
So when I look like I've been crying. When I snap at meaningless things. When you wonder what my problem is. Please be patient. Please know that my heart is trying. I really am happy for all the babies that will come soon. I really am. And so my heart is really trying. But my heart is hurting. A lot. And there isn't really anything anyone can say or do that will help. Please understand that.
I find Joy each day with my family. I love what I do and who I am surrounded by. But I have to put extra protection around my heart just to survive. Just to breathe. I stay close to what I already have and love it that much more. I rejoice for what I have. I have a lot. And I look forward to having my heart whole again.
9 comments:
Amen Sista!! I totally know what you are saying. Around the middle of each month, let's say the uh 13th?? I get worse. I haven't been pregnant, so I can't compare the physicallity of it, but adoption has to be way more emotionally demanding.
I really believe most people overlook how emotionally taxing adoption really is. Just after my good friend adopted, she had someone facebook her about how lucky she was since his wife had to go through the pain of pregnancy and labor. So heartless.
I feel your pain. In a different way, but I still do. I always pray for your cute little family.
Oh, Jennie! My heart is breaking for you. You got me crying too.You are always in my thoughts and prayers that you will have your baby soon! {HUGS}
I have told many a waiting couple exactly that same thing - your heart will heal, it won't always hurt this way. But the waiting ... oh the waiting, the not knowing, the wondering...those hurt. I am hurting for you Jennie. I have the greatest hope for your family to be whole very soon!
What more can I say to you than you've already heard or know???? How about I love you!!!! I'm sorry you are feeling this way and you are wonderful!!!! And...when are we going to lunch so, we can freak out another server with our blubbering????
I'm sorry that you are struggling. Stay strong. Know that you have lots of prayers sent your way. I hope your arms will be full soon!
How tough is that! I couldn't imagine the wait you are having to endure. Stay strong friend. I know your family will be blessed with another precious baby!
Jennie- my heart goes out to you! Mila and I love you....you know?
I do know the waiting- I do know the pain, and I do know being utterly angry at pregnant women and also - women/families I would hear about on the news that had mistreated their children..etc. I remember walking in Millcreek canyon by myself and I came around a corner to see a mom and her baby- enjoying a moment. I broke down and cried right there....wondering when/if I would ever be a mother. You're right- you have 3 beautiful kids and you will have more....I know it. Take care of yourself....be good to yourself...waiting is awful - nothing makes it feel better. I hope you find peace, somehow, during this time.
Jennie, I love you I wish you the best. I wish there were something I could say that would make it better. But I do love you and I will be praying FERVENTLY for you! And...I'm sorry.
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