Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Sorrow And Joy.

It's been over a year. Usually when I'm asked about it, I just say what happened. I am getting better at just saying it, not feeling it. I can walk away without sorrow flooding my heart. But there are still times when I'm asked, or when a baby is born, a pregnancy announced, that the flood gates open and I grieve as if it just happened yesterday.

Our family is complete. I know it is. I know that another baby will never come. But there is still a part of my heart that can't accept it. When I see a baby I think, That could have been me again. It could have been our family with a new baby. It's easier to look at a toddler who is throwing a tantrum and feel peace that my baby is 8 and there will be no more. But still...

Our family is in a great place right now. We can go anywhere at anytime and just play. Just do. We don't have to plan for nap times, feeding times, diaper changes. We just stop for a treat or a pit stop. It's fun having kids who will challenge you to do something. I was challenged by Sam to ride the Re-Entry ride at Lagoon. I would rather be bit by a rattle snake. But I did it. The Joy on Sam's face when we got off and he saw my face was enough for me! They are all good joke tellers. And joke deciphers. They crack me up. They can be reasoned with and instructed. Understanding is evident when we teach a principle that they've been taught all their lives, but now clicks. They are growing up so fast.

And so we move on with preteens and look forward to more exciting events as they grow. Do I wish I needed to change a diaper at times?  I would do it if it were here.  Will that place deep in my heart continue to hurt?  Not as much as it used to, but it will always be there. So I find Joy in my family as it is.  Joy in what we are and what we can do and become.  And it is spectacular.


Kim said...

Love you so much!

Jennifer B. said...

I can understand. I had thought at one time we would have 3 kiddos but I don't know how we could swing it financially or emotionally. Things are going great with our 2 and I feel so blessed to have them. So we too are finished but I do hold other babies whenever I get the chance and I must admit the thought of going back to diaper training is not for me.